How To Save A Marriage

America is mourning today. Not just for Ed McMachon, no disrespect intended to Ed McMahon, but to most Americans that news is secondary. Secondary toward the shocking development that occured last night. America's favorite Montgomery County, PA marriage has finally come to an end. Yep, Jon and Kate are getting a divorce. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

And while I am certainly more ashamed than giddy to be currently living in the county where these 2 bozos got married, it is a sad day for America. I think that the whole country at some point shed a tear or 2 of sympathy for them. It's just so damn sad!!!!!!!!

Okay, not really. Or at least for me. And while I am not downplaying the fact that the parents of 8 kids are not separated, I don't think that I am the only one that thinks this whole thing is downright absurd.

What on earth makes them so damn special that they get their own reality show? They are not the only family with 8 kids. Was it because of the way the kids were conceived? If that's what you're after, then we should have a show on OctoMom. Oh, wait.....never mind.

Regardless, I am more than proud to say that I never watched one minute of this piece of crap filth that the rest of America claim is sad, entertainment. It's a sad, pathetic, worthless piece of garbage exploitation of children all at the expense of the dolla-dolla bill. You can't say that these kids are unaffected. They may be fine now, but what about 10 years from now or so. Their lives will be different. They'll be recognized. Any shot they had at a normal life is now spoiled by the fact that they'll be followed around by celebrity newspapers for the rest of their life as I'm sure some paper will have a "Keeping Tabs With The Gosselin Children" that will be updated hourly for the next 10 years.

Regardless, sad, stories like this are worthy of a tear-jerking song. That is why I somehow managed to fight those tears and I penned this song in hopes that Jon & Kate will never be forgotten. It's painfully called, "How To Save a Marriage" (sang to the tune of "How To Save a Life" by The Fray)

Step One, you say, "We need to make money"
She walks, you say, "Let's get a reality show".
She smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of contract to your right.
As she then tells you she is infertile
Between the lines of fear and greed
You begin to wonder why you came.

Where did I go wrong?
I lost my dignity somewhere along in the greediness
And I would have stayed up with those 8 pests all night
Had I known how to save a marriage

Let her know that you know best.
Because after, all, the guy always does.
Try to slip past her defense
And ink that contract with TLC.
Lay down a list of all the "story lines".
Things you told her will make them famous
Pray to God that they work.
And pray to God you're millionaires

And where did I go wrong?
I screwed my kids somewhere along in the greediness
And I would have stayed up with those 8 pests all night
Had I known how to save a marriage

As she begins to raise her voice
You lower yours and apologize for the affair
Continue with the show anyway
For you can't disappoint your millions of viewers
She will do one of 2 things:
She will forgive everything
Or she'll say "we're getting a divorce"
And you'll begin to why you came.

Where did I go wrong?
I got embarassed on TV somewhere along in the greediness
And I would have stayed up with those 8 pests all night
Had I known how to save a marriage

Where did I go wrong?
I became a laughing stock somewhere along in the greediness
And I would have stayed up with those 8 pests all night
Had I known how to save a marriage
How to save a marriage
How to save a marriage.