|I am he as you are he as you are me|
and we are all together
This has left many Eagles fans wondering what could the Eagles have possibly been thinking over the past three weeks. More to the point, what were the interviews like? Was everyone else so bad that the Eagles had no choice but to promote from within? Well fortunately for all, I know people with ties to the Eagles organization, and they have generously provided me with transcripts of the interviews that I have taken liberties of posting below. And honestly, after reading them, I am not sure if they give us answers as much as they create more questions.
Andy Reid: Well fellas, it's time we find our next coordinator. Who's ready?
Howie Roseman: I am.
Joe Banner: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Jeffrey Lurie: This isn't going to cost me a lot of money, is it?
Reid: Before we get started, can someone get me a deep dish pizza?
Banner: But sir, you just had two cheesesteaks and a large fry.
Reid: Get me the pizza now!
Banner: I'll order it right away. My question of "who's your all-time favorite Eagle?" can wait.
Reid: Let's bring in our first candidate!
Jim Mora, Jr: Yes! Let's do this! I am ready to be the defensive coordinator for the Philadelphia Eagles! Man, am I pumped.
Roseman: You do realize you are the only one in the room wearing shorts, don't you?
Mora, Jr.: Have I told you how excited I am about this opportunity?
(large deep dish pizza arrives)
Reid: Thank you very much, Joe.
Mora, Jr.: Is that all for you?
Reid: OM NOM NOM NOM!
Mora, Jr. (audibly whispers) Fat pig.
Reid: You think that's funny? I've been trying real hard to lose weight, and you think jokes like that are funny?
Banner: Sorry sir.
Reid: Not you. I know you were just snickering at how someone could be so audacious to show up to an interview wearing a tank top and shorts and call the person interviewing them a "fat pig." Next!
Mora, Jr.: Bu....but......I was the head coach of the Atlanta Falcons! And the 2009 Seattle Seahawks! I have experience!
Lurie: Would he have been an cheap to afford?
Roseman: No. Now who's next?
Billy Davis: Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Reid: I don't believe I had you scheduled for an interview. You are?
Davis: Billy Davis.
Reid: Funny, your name does not sound familiar. What was your job last year?
Davis: Defensive coordinator of the Arizona Cardinals.
Lurie: Would he have been cheap?
Lurie: Damnit. He's a cheap coordinator with experience, you guys are making a mistake here!
Banner: Can we get on to the next interview? I am tired and want to get home to my cat Lizzy.
Roseman: Yes, yes, we can call our next witness to the stand.
Reid: He means bring in the next interviewee.
Banner: It's like you two share a brain.
Reid: But before we start, I want dessert. You mind bringing me a whole box of Chocolate Juniors?
Banner: Yeah fine whatever.
Roseman: We have someone anxiously waiting. Come on in!
Dean Pees: Good day all.
Pees: Pees. Dean Pees.
Banner: I am sure that Dean does not like having that kind of information divulged in this setting.
Pees: No. Really. My name is Dean Pees.
Roseman: Very well then. Your coaching experience?
Pees: After floating the college ranks for 24 years, I joined the New England Patriots where I served as linebackers coach from 2004-2005 and defensive coordinator from 2009. I then served as the Baltimore Ravens linebackers coach last season.
Lurie: Wait a minute? The New England Patriots? 2004? You were a part of that team? The same Patriots team whose cheap and cowardly cheating ways screwed me out of millions of dollars and even more national fame?
Lurie: You sir, are the only kind of cheap I do not like. Get out of this office!
Roseman: Calm down, Jeffie. This is the most qualified candidate we have interviewed thus far.
Lurie: I don't care if he has the credentials of Dick LeBeau.......god I am jealous of that winning fucker........get this cheating disgrace of humanity out of my office! GET OUT!
Pees: You're strange. I'm leaving.
Reid: Mmmmm, these Chocolate Juniors are delicious. Who's next?
Juan Castillo: Hey guys!
Roseman: Hey Juan, what's up?
Castillo: I'm not quite sure how to put this, but I am here to interview for your defensive coordinator opening.
Banner: Ha! Oh, wait a minute, you are actually serious?
Castillo: Yes sir, I am. Look, this was probably a bad idea and I should not have come in here.....
Lurie: No, no, please stay. You are not going to cost me a lot of money. Let's hear what you've got.
Reid: Okay. Let's start with the basics. Can you name any players on our defense?
Castillo: Nick Cole.
Castillo: Trent Cole. Trent Cole. Trent Cole. I'm so sorry I meant Trent Cole, I swear
Roseman: Very well then. Anything else you can tell us about yourself and your defense experience?
Castillo: I was an assistant at Texas A&M-Kingsville and at Kingsville A&M High School in the 1980s.
Roseman: Excellent! Those defenses were real vaunted back during your time period.
Castillo: Absolutely. We were Lone Star Conference Champions back in 1985.
Reid: Do you bring any other experience on the defensive side of the bar?
Castillo: Why yes, I do. Jim Johnson would always talk to me to make sure we were sound in terms of our pressure and blitzes. I have always considered myself very versatile. Even though I have been working with offense since 1990, I have always considered myself a defensive guy at heart.
Reid: Did you just say you would talk to Jim Johnson about defensive schemes.
Castillo: Yes, I did say that.
Reid: Congratulations. You've got the job!
Castillo: Wait a minute? Seriously? Thank you so much! You won't be disappointed I swear.
Lurie: Neither will I!
Roseman: Even though I am excited about this hire, you can't say that for sure.
Lurie: Yes, I can. He won't be costing me a lot of money.
Reid: Well now that we got that taken care of, we can sort out the minor contractual details over dinner. Who's hungry?