The High School Years: Part 8 - Anger, Threats, And Lies

Forget or missed a part? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

Things actually did get better before they got worse. Anna had a problem that I helped her out with (she told me in confidence and to this day I have not told anybody what she told me and I will take her secret to my grave). The problem itself was completely unrelated to anything with Kait and Kelly, but she came to me and I tried to help her get through it. That meant a lot to me.

Then a few days later in physics, my problems started up again. Kait and Kelly came up to me in physics class and told me that Anna got finished telling them how that the only reason I apologized was to be the bigger “person”. They asked if this was true and you can guess what I said:

“No”, in another awkward fashion (not quite as awkward as the first one in the last part, though).

Through this whole thing I had always done my best to remain cool, and with it. But at this point I had lost it. After all I did to help Anna the past week with her problem, she thanked me by tattling on me to Kelly and Kait. I was so angry. I emailed her and asked her, “...is it that you must always tell Kait and Kelly what I say about them? Can't you keep anything secret? At all?”

“What now?” replied Anna. “I didn’t tell them anything, as far as I know...” This caught me off guard, but instead of believing her, my friend, I completely blew my top on her.

They said that you (Anna) said that I was cursing them out (like I did the other day). How would they know about it unless one of you told them? Unless of course by Anna, they meant Alura, but I don't know why they would be afraid to say Alura. Remember when I said that I was going to be the "bigger person" by apologizing? How is it that they found out about it? Only two people knew what I wanted to do and if you're reading this email, then you're one of the people. I'm not threatening or anything, I'm just sick of being betrayed when I have kept my word to you. Not even your closest friends know what you told me last week. I tell you these things in hopes that I can trust you not to say anything. But I guess that's just asking too much isn't it. Just deny knowing anything. Is it that hard just to say ‘no’? What good are friends if you can't trust them? Imagine how I feel right now. Every goddamn thing I said to you about them in secrecy you told them. You told them that it was me who overheard them talking about Anna and of my plans and that I ‘cursed them out’ and it made me look like an idiot. Now you're in my position. They ratted you out Anna. Fess up that you told them that because they knew, they said you told them. I can understand that you have more loyalty to them than to me, but when somebody asks you not to say anything, can you at least honor that one request? After all I did for you. Maybe if I wasn't so good to you, then maybe I would understand, but after all I did for you the past 2 weeks. You told me things that you didn't even tell your best friends. And this is what I get? Not only do I not get a thank you, but I get stabbed in the back. Yeah, I'm hurt right now. I mean after all I did for you, Anna. Some friend you are...

And that’s how I ended that email. I was clearly mad. Granted I probably came down a little too hard (actually I came down harder then I intended). Sometimes when you’re mad you say things that you don’t mean. All day I kept waiting and waiting for a reply. As it turned out, I had to wait the next day to get that reply. Coincidentally, that next day was the same day I got accepted into Bloomsburg University.

Anna responded:

Holy crap! What the hell did I do? I most honestly did not tell them anything! They told me that you came up to them and such, and I was like ok whatever and then they started going, ‘was that planned? Did he do that on purpose to make us feel bad or something?’ I’m like, ‘I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?’ Apparently it was the wrong thing to say, but whatever. I am not even involved in this. It’s between you, Kait and Kelly. So stop cursing at me! Seriosuly, calm down. Oh and Alura would like to say that you can’t yell at me like that especially when I’m innocent because when you yell at me, it’s like you’re yelling at her, and we're not going to stand for this sort of thing any longer, so if we get one more nasty email from you, we're taking you off our contacts list and never talking to you again

For some reason beyond this world’s greatest minds, I had CCed my nasty email to Alura as well. Obviously I felt like a complete dunce. Again. I had just been accepted into Bloomsburg but I felt as if I couldn’t even make it into Kindergarten. I was very sorry for what I said and proceeded to apologize my ass off to Anna and Alura. And I do mean apologize. I apologized for everything I said to them; I didn’t realize they were innocent. I felt awful. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and angry. And I was determined to get back at Kait and Kelly for putting me through this miserable day. I was determined to go up to them the next day and right in their face call them out on what they did.

The next day (in physics class, once again), I approached them and demanded, “Exactly what did Anna tell you I said?”

“Why don’t you ask Anna. She knows everything. She is God.” was the response I got from Kait. That response told me everything I needed to know. It was obvious that they were covering up their own behinds. It was clear they were hiding the fact that they made it up and I had them right where I wanted them. I proceeded to question them further and they tried to sugarcoat everything. They even went as far as to say that, “Anna lies all the time”. To me, this was just another obvious attempt by them in order to put the blame on Anna.

In order to try to further persuade Anna and Alura that I was in the wrong and that Kait and Kelly set me up I emailed them and told them all about what happened and that Kait lied. I even made the mistake of telling Anna that Kait had said what she said about Anna lying. In retrospect, I should have kept fingers under control.

“I’ve found out that they did not say I was lying. They were pissed off at you so they tried to get you to leave them alone. You are trying to ruin our friendship”, was the message I received in my inbox when I got home that day. I couldn’t believe that. Kait and Kelly had said that and they had said it blatantly. Whether it was true or made up on the fly to get rid of me I don’t know, but there I was, once again a victim of their deception. There was no convincing Anna of my side of the story. Anna had known Kait and Kelly for x amount of years and I had only known them for one year. Anna was enraged at me and I could feel it. Before I even had the chance to reply, Anna sends me another email claiming

“You lied to me and told me that Kait and Kelly called me a liar, you’re purposely trying to break up me and Kait, you attacked Kait and Kelly when they were in the middle of a physics lab that they were about to fail, and you annoyed the two out of their minds, therefore annoying me. Therefore, I’m probably severing ties at this point. P.S. With you, not with them”

I couldn’t believe it. Although some of the propaganda they were feeding her was true, a lot of it was either made up of blown out of proportion and because Anna is so tight with them there was no way I could possibly convince her of otherwise. However, her most frivolous accusation was that I was trying to break their friendship. I was not trying to do that.

I responded,

I am not trying to break up your friendship. You've known each other x amount of years, and I'm not going to try and penetrate that wall, if you will. I'm concerned about our friendship. The way I've been thinking the past couple days is that they are trying to break up our friendship. And I think they may be succeeding in doing so, as much as I don't want it to happen. I have no problem never talking to them again. In fact, I won't talk to them unless they approach me. Is that what you're so upset about? That I'm trying to break up your friendship? Is that is what is irking you? Because if it is, it's not true, and I'm sorry if I led you to believe that but I was just trying to prove to you that they were lying to me about you telling them that I shook their hands only to be the "bigger person". I was trying to help our friendship, not damage yours with Kait and Kelly.”

“What friendship?” she replied. “I don’t consider you my friend. Kait and Kelly weren't trying to destroy any friendships. They were trying to make you go away”.

I had always considered her my friend, but she obviously didn’t have the same feelings for me. That part though wasn’t actually news to me; I knew that I always considered her more of a friend than she considered me. She also added, “I don’t want you coming in between me and Alura and me and Kait anymore”.

I spent the rest of the night trying to convince her to reconcile but she wouldn’t budge. Not one bit. I was willing to do anything I possibly could to get her back. I had felt so bad for what I had started and what I did to everyone that I ended up sending an apology email to everyone, Kait, Kelly, Alura, and Anna, where I went on a long rant about how sorry I was (and believe me, I was sorry) and how I should have kept my big mouth shut from the very beginning. Kait, Kelly, and Alura never replied back to me. But Anna did.

“Dear god, why drag them into your horribly long and twisted emails that ramble with no point? Besides, didn’t I already make it clear to you that I value Kait, Alura, and Kelly’s friendships more and I don’t want you trying to come between us anymore so all this stuff really wasn’t necessary.”

Still trying to convince her to forgive me, I replied.

I'm trying to mend the wall, not tear it down completely “I'm not trying to come between you and Alura and Kelly and Kait, I'm trying to have this whole thing forgotten about. Your comment about my horribly long and twisted emails that ramble with no point was pretty funny, actually. I do ramble on and on and on. Which is funny because when I speak, I just speak to the point, but when I email, I do tend to ramble. Though I felt this had a point. It may have been the world's longest ramble but it had a point.

Come on Anna, I know what's done is done. I know I can't hop in a time machine and change the past (although I wish I could). I know you and Kait and Kelly and Alura are ‘bffs’ and nothing will change that. Not me, that's for damn sure. But we can move on and forget about it. I'm done fighting. I made mistakes. I admit it. I screwed up. Big time. I have no problem with you being ‘bffs’ with Alura and Kelly and Kait. Go ahead. I just don't want our friendship/relationship/whatever-you-call-it to end because of this. So can you find it in your heart to forgive me and start anew?”

I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I was on the brink of losing one of the people of whom I confide in the most. This couldn’t be happening to me.

“Do you honestly have absolutely no emotions at all?” she answered me. “Why don’t you ever get pissed off at the things you’re supposed to get pissed off at? You get pissed when you think I’m lying, but when I outright tell you, in a moment of anger, that I’m not friends with you and I want you out of my life, you don’t even take offense, you just keep apologizing? If it were me, I would have slapped myself by now. Actually, bitch-slapped would be the more appropriate term here”.

In that email, I saw a very keyword: “moment of anger”. That meant a lot to me. It meant that maybe she had said something that she hadn’t meant. I felt myself gaining more and more control over a once helpless situation.

“No emotions? NO EMOTIONS? NO EMOTIONS???” I replied in a joking manner. I could feel this thing turning around.

I continued,

Pretty much everything I've said today has been emotional, just not the emotion of anger. The only person I was really angry at today was myself.

I was pissed off because I thought you betrayed me. When you said you wanted me out of my life, I was just upset and wanted to get you back in my life. I really enjoy emailing with you and Alura. It gives me something to look forward to on a day-to-day basis. Believe me, I've been bitch-slapping myself in my mind ever since this whole thing started”.

And even though that was Anna’s terminology I had borrowed, it was true. I was regretting ever starting this whole thing. I wished I had never listened to Kait and Kelly’s conversation that I thought had been mocking Anna’s project.

“No emotions meaning anger. That’s cool”, was her reply. That’s cool. I had finally gotten to her and saved my “friendship” with Anna. Even though it wasn’t a straight-up message saying, “I forgive you”, that was her way of saying, “it’s all good”, and that was good enough for me. For the first time in a long time, I was at peace with myself.